Why am I so reflective 4 weeks after the New Year holiday? Today is my Birthday and in my mind it is now tied to the anniversary of my departure from CTI.
The loss that came from leaving CTI is the biggest thing that will stick with me from 2006. Elin’s birth was wonderfully huge and needing to provide for her and Emily made the decision to leave easy. However I need to put words to some of my thoughts over the past year.
Heading into 2005 I had grown a lot professionally and had completed some major improvements at work. I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to do them and do them well. I thought I was all that and a bag chips and felt like the company should reward me as such. However, I now realize that I was a fool. When I was first hired in 2002, I was an immature and (at times) unprofessional young man. I said some things that were dumb. I didn’t realize how dumb they were at the time, nor did I even remember those things in 2005. Only lately have some of theses dumb things come to mind. I have become embarrassed of these circumstances and now understand how those instances made it hard for the company to look at me in 2005 and not see 2002 or 2003. My arrogance coupled with my history led to me being stagnated and stifled professionally in the later half of 2005. Better professionalism and humility would have served better and probably made further growth at the organization more likely. My apologies to those that may read this that I put in difficult positions: I expected more than I earned, and I guess I earned what I got.
Those words may be the hardest thing I have ever had to type. It has taken me a full year to come to that conclusion. I loved my job, my coworkers and the purpose of the organization.
Working at a place where you believe in the mission is a special blessing. I was passionate about the company’s goals and it was very easy to get behind them. You don’t realize it when you are living it, but it is a big thing to work for a company in which you share a passion. It makes going to work all the more exciting and meaningful. It almost makes it worth actually going to work. Unfortunately you can’t put a monetary value on that. It is a benefit without quantification. When you have it you don’t realize it until it is gone.
I miss that single purpose feeling I once had. I feel that this posting this is part of the recovery process from mourning that loss. I have named my loss and can now ask God to redirect my life to a new purpose in a new location.
To end this story: I left the company on very good terms – and my best friends in the world are still there. I miss them as co-workers and now miss them as neighbors. They called to wish me Happy Birthday last night. I missed their call, which makes me sad. I love them all and felt so blessed to receive their call. Thanks guys it meant a lot.
God – be with my friends – they are great people - and be with CTI. Bless their ministry and all who work there. May your favor shine on them all and may their efforts grow your kingdom. Be with my family as we move closer to my work. Help us find the Church that you are calling us too, and send us people to bless in your name. In the name of Jesus, Amen